My Jim Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  PART ONE - Marianne Libre

  Jar

  PART TWO - Ladie Watson

  Knife

  Hat

  Bowl

  Tooth

  Pipe

  Jobacco

  PART THREE - My Nanna

  Cross

  Quilt

  Button

  A CONVERSATION WITH NANCY RAWLES

  READER’S GROUP GUIDE

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  ALSO BY NANCY RAWLES

  Copyright Page

  For Malaika,

  so you always remember

  PART ONE

  Marianne Libre

  Jar

  Chas Freeman ask me to marry him.

  Take me by the hand. Take me in his arms. Lift me on his horse and jump up right behind me. Show me a letter say he got duty with the Ninth Cavalry at Fort Robinson Nebraska. Got to ride out there and chase down them savage whites and Indians.

  I real happy for Chas. He so proud. But I dont wants to go to Nebraska and I tells him so. Cloud come over his face and he get real quiet.

  You think on it he say. Me I cant sharecrops no more. I aint born a slave and I aint gonna live like one.

  Who gonna keep the land I says. But he aint got no answer.

  I comes back for you Sunday after next he say. You come if you want me. You the one I wants. Chas always sure bout everything. Me I aint so sure and I cries when he leave me at Nanna Sadies cabin.

  Nanna in there shucking corn.

  Why you all the way crying she want to know. You ever seen a bird crying. Here you sitting free as a bird and crying like a beatdown dog. What your name she say.

  You know my name I tells her.

  I knows it. You the one forget. She look at me real hard cause she mad now. What your name she say again.

  Marianne. I can hardly answers. Her asking make me weep.

  Marianne what. She sound like a preacher on Judgment Day.

  Marianne Libre.

  You Free Marianne. Got a freeman asking for your hand. What you gonna say gal.

  I cant says nothing so I looks down at the floor.

  What year we in she want to know.

  She never know the year. She say it aint important. But she know I counts the year and she make me tell her when she mad. Nanna reckon I reads and writes and figures but I aint gots no more sense than a lightning bug.

  1884. I says it to my feet.

  When you born gal.

  1868.

  How old you now.

  16.

  What you waiting for then.

  I aint crying no more but I still cant finds my words. I hates to think bout leaving my nanna. She cant hardly see but she see my fear.

  Dont worry bout me she say. Your uncles gonna come round and help me with my crop. Dont bother yourself bout me none. My spirits and my songs surrounding me.

  She chewing on her pipe.

  But how I knows Chas the one I asks.

  He sing dont he she say. Goodlooking fella and strong. Want something for hisself. Never get with nobody dont want nothing for hisself. He sing and he know how to wear a hat. I likes a man know how to wear a hat. I bets he wearing that hat when he ask you for your hand.

  She light her pipe looking at me out the corner of her eye. She see with that corner. If slaves can love you can love she say. Chas love you and he want you to marry him. I gives you two my blessing.

  I aint sure I loves Chas Freeman. He almost a man but I aint through being a child.

  Nanna take a long smoke. She blow heavy on her pipe.

  You scared to love cause you scared to lose. You want to stay here forever. Washing white folks dirty linen. Slopping they hogs. Nursing they children.

  Far as I can sees it aint so different at Fort Robinson I says. After doing all them soldiers laundry I still gots to nurse my children and slop my own hogs.

  I sees you still got that tongue in your mouth Nanna say. You marry you got to watch that tongue. She put down her pipe and put down the corn. She take my hand like when I was little. She pat me on the hand.

  Dont make me go Nanna. I throws my arms round her neck. We stands that way a long time till the light start to leave. We aint gots no candle and not one Liberty nickel. No oil for the lamp or Indian head penny. It summer in Shreveport and plenty hot. Moon sitting low in the sky and two of us thinking bout never seeing each other no more.

  After awhile I feels my nanna crying. Aint never knows her to cry. Not even when Papa Duban die last winter. His heart fail and we finds him on the floor.

  Long time ago I wants to stay she say. I wants to stay and they aint let me.

  She sobbing a low moan. I tries to comfort her but she old. I cant says how old now. I helps you make the crop I says. I aint wants to leave you Nanna. They gonna take our horse and plow and chickens cause Papa Duban done sign the paper. Thats why you crying aint it Nanna.

  She shake her head. Papa Duban good to me all his days she say. She move away from me. Aint love make you lose everything. Life just mean thats all.

  She talking real soft now. I sees her eyes looking far away. I aint cries for Papa Duban she say. I cries thinking bout how they force me to leave my husband. How they tear my children from me. All them years ago. I wants to stay and they aint let me.

  What husband I says. What children. I never hears you call they names.

  My Jim she whisper. My Lizbeth. My Jonnie. Been years since I calls they names.

  It so hot the door standing open. Spirits come in and fill the room with the cool of they loneliness. First Nanna Sadie rile. Then she peaceful. Singing her trance song. Rocking side to side. Her hands waving round her head.

  She back in slavery days. Back fore the war. Some old people talk bout them times but they grandchildren aint want to hear it. My nanna never talk bout her captive time. I scared to trouble her bout it. She mad at me for bringing back the shame of them days. But I almost a woman and I wants to know my nannas heart. Maybe its cause she thinking I gonna leave that Nanna Sadie decide to talk. Maybe she just want to tell somebody.

  She fall to the floor. I runs and gets her some water and holds the cup to her mouth. Then I takes my knife and slices a peach. I puts it under her nose and lets it rest on her lips. I calls her back to this suffering world so the spirits aint carry her off. She look at me like she seeing me for the first time.

  I helps her to sit and I sits down at her feet. She rest her hand on my head.

  What you recall of your mama she ask.

  I picks up her pipe and takes a smoke. I draws the tobacco in deep so my throat and chest burn with it. When I talks bout my mama my throat and chest all the way burn.

  Her feet in shoes I says. When she leave she got her feet in shoes walking away from me. I still hears the sound of her feet.

  Nanna Sadie look tired. How long it been she say. How many years since she gone away.

  8.

  How old was you then.

  8.

  Your mama bout that same size when them Union troops come through New Roads. All the children jump and shout. Your mama follow along skipping and dancing. And some years later when them Union soldiers run out of Louisiana she follow them again. Leave you with me.

  She smell like leather and dye I says. She work for the saddlemaker and he give her a old pair of shoes. One day she just walk off in them.

  Your mama born walking. You late walking Marianne Libre. Still scared to touch ground. Like the mud gonna swallow you up. It aint swallow you yet. But it hold you firm to this place. Time for you to go and your feet dont want to move. Better get you some walking shoes gal. Stop all your weeping and go on with your soldier boy. Life bound t
o be better in the territories. Cant be no worse. When he coming back for you.

  Say he coming Sunday after next.

  How many days from now.

  15.

  You some good at counting aint you. Lets see what else you can do. We gonna sew you a memory quilt. Cant lets you go off to no prairie less you got your family with you. They say aint nothing like that cold wind coming off the prairie.

  In the heat of the day when its too hot to move we takes to sewing the quilt. I brings Nanna pieces from the gal who sew for the white seamstress. I gathers scraps from the families I takes in washing for. They say Mary you get us another gal if you running off.

  Gonna back this quilt with something heavy Nanna say. Take Papa Dubans old work clothes and your mamas old apron. Gonna put something of myself in there too. Long as you got something of love to hold onto you know you a person of worth. Only folks really own theyselves the ones know what they worth.

  Go get my jar she say. I gots some things I wants to show you.

  They the things she keep inside a canning jar on a shelf above the stove. All these years I never knows why they there. Just a few small things you can hold in one hand. I feels them with my fingers. Knife so small. Piece of felt. Bottom of a clay bowl. Childs tooth. Shiny gold button. Corn pipe thick with tar.

  I carries them things from a long time ago she say. From up the Mississippi I brings them. How old I be.

  I dont know Nanna Sadie. Old as Grant I spects.

  We gots to pray for the General she say. I be some sad when he go. You children cant never know what he mean to us old ones. I a grown woman fore I believes theys a white man want me to be free.

  For more than a week Nanna tell me what grown folks scared to talk bout. Sometime her voice tremble sometime it shout. I listens to all she say. When she tell it in a small voice I leans close to hear. We cuts the squares and pieces our stories. I writes down everything she say.

  And at the end of the telling I knows what to do.

  PART TWO

  Ladie Watson

  Knife

  Knife got blood on it. You look close you see blood. You see blood going back fore me to my mama. She take that knife when she leave Virginia and I brings it from Missouri all the way to Louisiana. Thats her knife she use for doctoring. Just like the white doctors knife but aint got no hook on it. Kind of knife proper white children use for they fruit. Mama always say she from a proper Virginia plantation with rich important whites and poor important niggers. A rich tobacco place with rolling hills and white houses. She cry to leave it. Come to Missouri as a girl carrying her mamas Congo bowl and a knife she steal from her mistress.

  Knife so small I sews it in my dress. I makes a pocket with a patch of indigo and sews my things inside. I knows Mas Stevens bout to sell me. I already loss my family. Now I scared to lose my things. Dress so old and tore. Nothing but brown rags and blue patches. If I bends the wrong way I feels that knife gainst my leg. And me so thin like a stalk of cane.

  They push me onto the steamer. They shove me so hard I falls down. That knife cut right into my thigh. I aint cries though. Just stuffs my skirt tween my legs to stay the blood. And bites down hard on my lip to turn my mind. Hands chain together. Rope round my waist fix me to the one in front and the one behind. Heart hurt so. Aint no salve.

  My Jim standing on the levee watching them take me. Nothing he can do bout it. Just stand there and curse Mas for selling me.

  Fore we parts he ask can he keep my scarf. He unwind it from my head and tear it. Then he tie it round his waist. Bind me to him with a red knot. Thats why I cant lets him go from my mind. Long years later I still believes we one day finds each other.

  He try to buy me out the pen. Mas Stevens wont sell me. Aint gonna sell me to Jim or nobody in Hannibal. Cant stand the idea I might goes to my husband. I gots to be punish. Worse punishment for a nigger being sold downriver. You all the way loss then. Down south they work the life out you. Let the cane and cotton kill you then buy theyselves another.

  Jim a free man then but that aint mean nothing in Missouri. Not since they make that fugitive slave law. Any no count patroller come snatch you and sell you to slavers no matter how many papers you got. Lots of folks run off never live to tell the tale. But my Jim a seer. Thats how he make it back alive.

  White folks in Hannibal favor Jim cause he find the one boy everybody believe dead and he keep the other boy from bleeding to death. White folks think Jim got power for good.

  They never say that bout me. My power from the devil. I the one cause Jim to run off. Sadie she got the power over him. Wherever she go she call him to her. Put a spell on him when he still too young to know it. Black folks say it too.

  But aint no spell. I buries his cord thats all. Thats the cord calling him not me. I helps him come in to this world so he mine from birth and I aint needs no spell. Your first catch all the way belong to you. Thats what my mama say.

  When Jim born I aint no higher than a barrel. Still too little to work tobacco. Jim come in summer when all hands in the fields for the first picking. Tobacco leaf starting to curl and spot.

  Jim the first slave born in Clear Creek so Mas Watson say he bring good luck. Jim born right after Mas Watsons second daughter. He gonna be her present when she need somebody to play with.

  Everybody say Jim favor his daddy. Fore Jim born his daddy disappear. Went with one of them Murrell gang promise to take him to Quincy. Aint nothing but a gang of thieves going round promising slaves they freedom. They sell him then they kill him. Leave his body in the road.

  All the time Jims mama carrying him she crazy with grief. Aint want to give Mas that baby. She do everything she can to stop Jim coming. My own mama give her the roots and the leaves but her belly get bigger all the time. She fight with Mas and the driver. Trying to get them to beat that baby out of her. Thats what my mama say. But Mas make them dig a hole for her belly. So they can beat her without killing that baby.

  Baby get ready to come and all the womens busy with the picking. So Jims mama got to drag herself back to the cabins with nobody to help. She aint make it all the way. Just sit down under that white oak in the graveyard and push the baby out right there between them stones.

  I hears Aunt Cora calling my name. Sadie she say go see who crying out that way. I leaves the yard and runs toward the fields. Thats when I hears Jims mama moaning with the going down pains. I finds her in the graveyard but I scared to go near. I runs back to Cora and tells her what I seen.

  Lead me to where she lay Cora say. But first go bring me your mamas knife. I does what Aunt Cora tell me. I takes her by the hand and leads her to the graveyard. We leaves the children playing in the dirt.

  By the time we gets there the baby already come. I cries when I sees the blood. What you crying for Cora say. All babies come in the world cover in blood. Thats the way you come too. Life a bloody business gal. Better get use to it.

  Cora cant see good but she feel that baby wrap inside the cord. He aint crying or nothing. Just laying on his mamas leg. Cora feel for the cord and hold it out for me to cut. Jims mama just stare at the baby like he some kind of rag and she cant find no use for him. But Cora pick him up and put her breath inside him. She try to comfort his mama. This baby might buy your freedom one day.

  If you leave him lone he be free now his mama say. She reach out to take the baby from Cora. Her hands all gummed up with juice from the tobacco leaf. Now the baby got the juice on him. He covered in blood and tar. Cora take him back from his mama. She tell me to bring her some water.

  I glad for a job I can do. I aint so strong but I can tote water big as me. Us children brings the food and water to the workers in the fields. Me I mostly totes round the cabins for Cora and the sick ones. I does that and empties the slop.

  So I goes gets the water like Cora tell me. When I comes back Jims mama trying to cut herself with my mamas knife. I screams when I sees the look in her eyes. I drops the water and tells Cora she got the knife. Cora hand me the
baby. Then she start slapping Jims mama hard with two hands beating her all bout the head till she drop the knife and sob.

  I looks at the baby but he aint moving aint making no sound. We gonna bury him right here Cora say. Next to his mama. She gonna bawl till she dead. But both of them live. Jims mama back in the field the next week and he asleep on Coras dirt floor. My mama take me to bury the cord under the white oak tree.

  Jims mama must of been hoping he die cause she aint give him no name for months. All that time the fire burning in the smokehouse make the baby cough. His mama got to keep the fire going and she all the time smell like smoke. She blow smoke on her baby cause she aint want him to live. But he find a way.

  Mas Watson say the baby need a name so he can write it in his book. Jims mama look him dead in the face. I names him after his daddy run away she say. Mas look upset but he go on and write Jim in his book. This ones a good boy he say. Make up for that other one. He wait for Jims mamas cuts to heal then he sell her down river. He say that sugar cane gonna take care of her. But she die fore the boat make St. Louis.

  Jim nurse at Coras tit. She the only mama he know. Cora aint got no children but she take care of everybody elses children. Her own children all die young.

  She got other orphan babies in there with her. When they older they gonna work the fields. Long as Cora keep them alive till then.

  Me I takes care of Jim like a sister. When he start to walk he try to follow me to the fields. Mostly I sees him at night in Coras cabin. Time Jim born I gots a baby sister name of Jenny. I only seen her once since we was small.

  I the first of my mamas children and the only one Mas let her keep. Everybody say its cause Mas Watson my daddy. But they say he Jennys daddy too and he sell her off soon as she can sweep up behind the chickens. Mas say she old enough to hold a baby and pluck a chicken she old enough to go to a family in town.

  He dress her up and take her hisself. She happy cause she going for a ride. Mas take Jennys hand and she wave to us. He sit her on his lap.

  Me and Jenny born in Cape Girardeau. We little girls when Mas move everybody to the place at Clear Creek near Hannibal. Missouri just become a state and Mas stake hisself a claim.